Trek Genesis
by 1madscientist
Summary: Two aliens are discussing how to be rid of this new human problem. What if? satire. AU, not at all serious.


_Gh'ax sat opposite his tentacled friend, Plf. The two extra-terrestrials, by human standards, had been tasked with a peculiar goal. What follows is the translated transcript of their conversation, edited for clarity._

* * *

Plf twisted its tentaculations in a self-soothing motion.

Gh'ax flexed its audal nodules. "We have to think of something, no use questioning that."

Plf squelched its limbs to rumble a reply, "Their existence is a bane to us. How could we allow the interlopers knowledge of our position?"

"Blame is a distraction, we wish not to become as they. As it stands, humanoid-"

"Sapiens. They call themselves 'sapiens', yet to them 'sap' is an insult."

Gh'ax wheezed at the inane complexity. "Saps have discovered us, they move against us."

"This was not publicized."

"The usual placations - they wish to understand us, they wish to improve us, typical devolved nonsense."

"Civilization moves as time, back and forth." Plf squelched knowingly. "Deluding themselves is no means to progress."

Gh'ax relaxed. "What do we know of them, that could be exploited? Have they a biological character?"

Plf pondered. "They're dullards, to be sure. They have empathy-"

Gh'ax interjected, "In this galaxy! Species-wide suicide."

Plf indicated agreement "Precisely. They become inordinately whiney and violent when they believe themselves to be trespassed against. A distraction would be prudent."

"Each evolution revokes an error. Which erroneous practices within them remain?"

"They have collective fantasies, self-satisfying beliefs called 'organized religion'."

"This deviates from the Universal Truths how?"

"They are overly emotional, self-important and self-righteous."

"We cannot taint our progress by wasting generational time on these fools."

"Celestial time must take care of it, if we were to be efficient" Plf reasoned.

"Scatter them into spatial abyss... I like it."

"They'd have fewer opportunities to breed, certainly." Plf calculated.

"Under the pretense of knowledge gardening? Take a sample, see what it is, report back, await farther instruction, ad infinitum."

"What if they kill or otherwise change the cultures of their localised creatures?"

Gh'ax gruffed "Those savage cultures aren't important to us, not our problem. If anything, fixes the potential of **this** predicament from ever happening again."

"A recursive solution, inspiring. How to frame it?"

"Ah, let us look to their behaviour for model. From what I have observed personally, they are humungous hypocrites. They seem to believe in unity when it suits them and competition when it ceases, they need to rally behind impressive-appearing authority despite trying to frequently depose it - they call those 'elections', and they like to think they're better than other planets."

Plf searched a lexicon of humanoid phonemes. "United... Federation... of Planets? We can make it sound incredibly prestigious."

"And U-FOP refers to their emotional vulnerability, you don't think they'd notice? No way will they fall for this, 'tis too obvious. They found us when cloaking applied, didn't they?"

"Fie! Imagine, we'll make out the Universe needs them, just them, hence we're not dragged along."

"Unless we want to be rid of some of our less intelligent ranks..."

"Klingon?"

"Klingon."

"What is up with these people? We're becoming inundated with insufficiently advanced species."

"They crave conflict. Mortality induces a negating experience they call boredom."

"We must brush these bad influences from our expanding body of influence. We can ill-afford their problems. A celestial exodus must be demanded."

"Don't call it an exodus, call it an adventure. A promise of chemoboosts and they jump to the silliest offers."

"I'll present it forthwith." Plf rose to its complete height. "What sort of foolish species would possibly buy into this," he referenced the lexicon, "this star trek?"

"Worth a try, Mighty Plf. Assured we're not simple as they, to believe compassion of the corrupt fixes any grand problem."

"I heard they _fear_ fire and see stars as lights in _empty_ space" Plf intimated. They concluded their conversation with learned exchange of ironic and hypocritical humanoid trivialities.


End file.
